Why Pushing Harder Makes People Resist More — with Elena Aguilar (Ep. 54)
Have you ever tried to change someone's mind or get someone to act differently, only to watch them dig in their heels? Or offer what seems like perfectly reasonable advice, only to meet defensiveness, anger, or silence?
What if the way we respond to resistance is actually making it worse?
In this fascinating and surprisingly practical conversation, acclaimed author and educator Elena Aguilar challenges much of what we assume about people who resist change. Drawing on her new book, How to Coach Resistance, she explains why resistance often has less to do with stubbornness or unwillingness to change than with fear, frustration, and unmet fundamental human needs.
Elena begins with a painfully honest story from early in her career. When a teacher seemed determined to reject her help, Elena decided she needed to "break" her resistance. Twenty years later, she sees that experience very differently.
Then something unusual happens: Elena and host Ken Futernick put her ideas to the test in a spontaneous role-play. Ken becomes a deeply frustrated, cynical teacher who has lost faith in his school and is highly skeptical about working with a coach. Rather than trying to convince him, correct him, or offer quick solutions, Elena takes an entirely different approach.
What unfolds is a remarkable demonstration of how genuine listening, curiosity, and attention to emotions can transform a difficult conversation.
Along the way, Elena explores some provocative questions:
Why do people resist—even when change might benefit them?
What's happening beneath the surface when someone becomes defensive or cynical?
How can acknowledging anger, sadness, grief, or fear open doors that persuasion cannot?
Why might six seconds of silence be more powerful than another argument?
What can we do to avoid creating the very resistance we're trying to overcome?
And near the end, the conversation takes an unexpected turn as Elena explains why love and compassion—not control—belong at the heart of how we respond to resistance.
Although Elena's work focuses on educators and coaches, the insights in this episode extend far beyond schools. Whether you're a parent, partner, manager, community leader, or simply navigating difficult relationships, you'll leave with a fresh perspective and practical strategies for your next challenging conversation.
Elena's work isn't just about resistance. It's about how we treat one another, especially when we disagree.
Notable Moments:
00:00 — “I Wanted to Break Her”: Elena reflects on a teacher who resisted her coaching.
18:26 — What’s Beneath Resistance: Understanding the fear, frustration, and emotions behind pushback.
28:21 — The Transformative Power of Listening: Why feeling heard can change a difficult conversation.
31:19 — Why Slowing Down Works: The power of silence, patience, and a calm presence.
48:41 — The Unexpected Role of Love: Why compassion matters when navigating resistance.
Featured Guests:
Elena Aguilar is one of education's leading voices on coaching, professional learning, and emotional resilience. She is the author of The Art of Coaching, The Art of Coaching Teams, Onward: Cultivating Emotional Resilience in Educators, The Onward Workbook, The Art of Coaching Workbook, Coaching for Equity, The PD Book, and Arise: The Art of Transformational Coaching. Her books have sold more than half a million copies and have reached educators around the world.
For more than 20 years, Elena has coached educators and trained coaches—first in classrooms and schools in Oakland, California, and now across the United States and in more than 40 countries. She is the founder and CEO of Bright Morning, an organization devoted to supporting the people who do the work of educating, leading, and coaching in schools, and the host of the Bright Morning Podcast, which has been downloaded more than one million times. Her writing has appeared in Edutopia, EdWeek, and Educational Leadership.
Her work is animated by a single conviction: that when the adults in schools grow, children thrive. How to Coach Resistance extends that work into the terrain where growth most often stalls—and where the deepest transformation becomes possible.
Elena lives with her husband and their two cats in northern California—and with their son when he's home from college.
Related Content:
How to Coach Resistance: Turning Pushback Into Possibility by Elena Aguilar
Arise: The Art of Transformational Coaching by Elena Aguilar
Bright Morning — Elena Aguilar's organization supporting educators, leaders, and coaches.